ALUMNI

            We learn our language by picking up the obvious rules and then gradually learning the exceptions to those rules. For example, most little kids, at some point when they’re learning English, try out the word “goed” as the past tense of “go.” They’re corrected a few times and begin to use “went,” and before long they’re laughing at the younger kids who say “goed.”

            We learn early on that nouns can be made plural by adding an “s,” and soon run into exceptions such as “children.” Before long we stop saying “childs.”

            I actually know someone who said, “My nose are running. Do you have a Kleenex?” And I know lots of people who say something like, “My driver’s license expired and I had to go get new ones.”

            Because the British Isles were conquered so many times and because so many Britons traveled to far-flung lands, English has accumulated a lot of foreign words, and not all languages add “s” to make something plural.

            The Romans were in Britain for a long time, and Latin had a different way of making plurals. The word “alumni” is Latin, and means former members of a class who have graduated or moved on. It’s plural. Not only that, it’s masculine plural.

            We tend to use this word incorrectly. “I am an alumni of Harvard” is incorrect. Even “She and her sister are alumni of Harvard” is incorrect.

            The masculine singular is “alumnus,” and its plural is “alumni.” If there is more than one alumnus, and some of them are female, “alumni” is still correct, but one female graduate is an “alumna,” and two or more of them are “alumnae” (pronounced ah-LOOM-nee). Confusing, isn’t it?

            “Medium” and “datum” are two other Latin words that are often misused. The plurals are “media” and “data.” The sentences “The media have been giving him a hard time” and “There aren’t enough data to make a prediction” are correct.

            “Criterion” is a Greek word that seems to give lots of people fits. It’s singular; the plural is “criteria.”

            Even Hebrew gets into the act. You know what a “cherub” is, but did you know that the plural is “cherubim?”

            There are lots more of these s-less plurals, but I’ve got to go. My nose are running.

BACKYARD

            I’m writing this on the 4th of July, a day of many backyard barbecues. But where are these barbecues held? In the back yard!

            And where does the backseat driver drive? In the back seat.   

            In both cases, the two-word version is a noun phrase and the combined word is an adjective, and, in both cases, the noun phrase is accented on the second word while the adjective is accented on the first syllable.

            There is no backyard or backseat – or frontyard or sideyard or frontseat. These words should be kept separated when used as nouns.

            The same thing happens when a verb phrase is changed into a noun. We had to bail out the banks, an action that is referred to as a bailout. When used as a verb, it should always be two words.

            There was an ad on my website yesterday, presumably targeted at politicians. “How do I find & turnout my voters?” it asked. People turn out to vote. The total of those who do is the voter turnout.

EK CETERA

            There is no “k” or “x” in “et cetera” (sometimes printed as one word: “etcetera”). It is a Latin phrase that means “and so forth.” The first word is “et,” which means “and,” as in Caesar’s famous accusation, “Et tu, Brute?” (And you, Brutus?). “Cetera” means “the rest,” or “the remainder.”

            I think it’s the “c” in “cetera” that throws people off, and they don’t look closely to see where it comes in. They think it is a hard “c,” but it’s an “s” sound: “ett settera.” In Latin, the “c” would be hard: “ett kettera,” but not “ek kettera” or “ek settera.”

            I learned to read phonetically, and as a consequence I still sound out every word in my head as I read. That slows me down, but I don’t mind. Instead of being able to skim over lots of pages I have to choose carefully what I read. I don’t find it to be a handicap.

            Those who learned to read “holistically,” that is, recognizing individual words and not sounding out their parts, are more prone to mispronunciation. They’re the ones who put an extra “n” in “pundit” or pronounce “rural” as “rule.” They don’t hear the second “i” in “poinsettia” or the first “r” in “turmeric.”

            Et cetera.

JESUS'

            Nothing in English grammar seems to be more confusing than the uses of the apostrophe. The problem is that there are so many functions that it is called upon to perform.

            The Associated Press, which used to be the defender of grammar and syntax, has lately allowed the prose that we read in newspapers to fall into corruption. My guess is that those who knew how to speak and write English have finally retired, and a new generation that has no clue has replaced them.

            The worst offense is total loss of control over apostrophes used to indicate possession. In recent years all semblance of order in this regard seems to have been lost.

            Here are three rules that will take all the guesswork out of possessives:

            1. If it’s a singular noun, always add an apostrophe and the letter “s.” Always! Examples: Bill’s, Mary’s, Jesus’s, Socrates’s, business’s, class’s. Someone in the past objected to adding an “s” to Jesus’s name, as if it were sacrilegious or something, and then classical scholars demanded equal treatment for Socrates and Aristophanes, et al. Forget that. Just add “’s.”

            2. If it’s a plural noun and doesn’t end in “s,” add an apostrophe and the letter “s:” children’s, media’s, women’s.

            3. If it’s plural and ends in “s,” add only an apostrophe: “dogs’, businesses’, classes’, Joneses’.

            That’s not so hard, is it? Well, it works for nouns, but watch out for pronouns. There are no apostrophes in possessive pronouns like its. If you put one in, it becomes a contraction of “it is.” Other possessive pronouns include hers, his, itself, herself.

            One more caveat: don’t put apostrophes in simple plurals. You see this all the time in handmade signs and the like: Employee’s only, Kitten’s for Sale, Fresh Apple’s.
            Finally, if you’re going to tell the world who lives in your house, on your mailbox or your wrought-iron gate, avoid apostrophes. The Smith’s means belonging to one Smith, so if there are two or more of you, it should be The Smiths. Similarly, The Jone’s means belonging to one Jone. What you’re probably trying to say is The Joneses. Possessives aren’t needed to inform the world who resides in your house, but if you have to add them, use The Smiths’ or The Joneses’.